New Year, New Me
2025.01.01
Alright. Let's start this off right.
If I had to describe my starting expectations for 2024, it would be something around the lines of "survive." I had hope, but plenty of doubt, concerns, and worries for the year going forward. 2024 was supposed to mark a new beginning for me of breaking out of the situation that I was in to finally live with my wonderful partner of 8 years, and it certainly started off with plenty of excitement and hope. I made peace with my estranged family while in town for the Sonic Symphony last year, and Sonic Prime soon came to a climactic end as the year began. Despite this bright start, the rest of the year wasn't as hopeful as it started off as. In full honesty, I have no one to blame for that but myself.
The last two years have done wonders for me in helping me realize what I'm capable of. As silly as some may believe it to be, Sonic Frontiers' narrative that puts you in the center of Sonic's struggle to pull off the impossible in the face of the odds and agony gave me a new start I'd have never seen in myself before. It showed me that I, too, can pull off things one would consider impossible, and I proved that to myself through taking on tough challenges in favorite games, as well as my career in gaming journalism, and the biggest way I managed to pull that off was through the Sonic Symphony itself. I broke through it all and managed to arrange that trip, monetarily and all, within six months. It was worth every minute, but how quick I forgot...
To quote one of my best friends, "self-doubt is the slow killer." I may have learned what I could do, and proved it to myself, but I didn't apply that lesson by letting my anxiety and burn out take over me and blind me all over again. I spent the last year baked in fear, as I had spent a majority of my life, and that kept the flame I had found from burning brighter. Sometimes I'd have it spark to life, but with intrusive thoughts and crippling ADHD wrapping me up in a darkness I had only grown comfortable with as the years went by, it was as if I was on fire under water. Contradictive. Immoving. Paradoxical. I had the drive, I had the power, but it would fizzle out in the darkest waters of the way I refused to use this power on my mind.
And then, again, at the expensive of coming off as a dork obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog too much, it was declared The Year of Shadow the Hedgehog.
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with Shadow hasn't been the best. I've been stubbornly one who would quickly say that the series was titled Sonic the Hedgehog to anyone who adored the black blur so much that they'd drop everything the instant he was in a show or a game. However, at the same time, I've always hated it when Shadow was made lesser than the character he always was. Sonic Boom and the Metal Virus stick out as key examples of Shadow being nothing but the "dark edgelord" of Sonic when he was always so much more than that. Sonic Prime was the first time Shadow had been himself in a while, and I grew to find myself appreciating him once more. (Prime is a fantastic Sonic show and is my favorite and I will fight to the death on that.)
Sonic X Shadow Generations continued this trend with shining hues of jet-black and ruby. Playing through Shadow Generations filled me with so many of the same emotions Sonic Frontiers did, yet different at the same time. I remembered how I felt in 2005, bias towards Sonic still ever present, but I was still so happy to go on an adventure with Shadow's solo game. The way Shadow redefined himself entirely for himself in his new solo entry was amazing to witness, and then of course the game broke my heart, but we don't need to go into that. It, and Professor Gerald's journal and its depictions of chronic illness and dysability, something I know intimately from my family history, left me with so many feelings that my entire life came to a halt as I processed them all. And as things came to a halt, I failed expectations and deadlines in work and life. This was only compounded by how after I finished Sonic X Shadow Generations, I'd have to go back to what some might call "square one." Back to the States. Back to my family. Away from my partner without securing my biggest goal of the year. (Not without substancial progress, though, thankfully! And that kept me from seeing it as a full step back and more like a redo as I didn't exactly leave on the best terms.)
It was that darkness, knocking at my door again, and I allowed it. Despite all of my strength, I allowed it. I allowed it to further fester as my bosses worried exactly what I was going through, and I was quick to let my pride deem me a failure. But then I spoke to some friends, and came away with further understanding. A coworker parted on me a wisdom that things won't control me if I control it first, and I promised a friend of mine that I'd step out of the darkness I had found myself in, just as Shadow had against the odds and time itself, and he reminded me of something I had forgotten long ago in that very same black pit of water.
I define myself. No one else does.
And with that in mind, I'm officially done with everything that's held me back. Self-doubt can suck it. Anxiety is just a breeze in the wind that I refuse to listen to, opting to live instead. I may have ADHD, but it's nothing compared to my own personal drive, and it's about time I applied that truth rather than know it.
2025 is going to be the year where I finally live as my true self, no matter what anyone else or even my own head has to say about it.
The last time I did an overhaul like this was in 2012, when I found my entire life uprooted in the face of the loss of a family pet, starting fresh in New Orleans and saying goodbye to my childhood home. That in itself brought a ton of changes, as it was both freeing and devastating all at once. Considering that's the exact feelings the Year of Shadow brought out of me, figured I'd do the same as he did, do a big damn "This is WHO I AM" speech, and live up to those words.
So here it is. I'm Sonic, AKA Zack. I'm far more powerful in will and spirit than I've ever given myself credit for. I may have a history of getting wrapped up in my own little world and the pits of my mind, but I won't let that happen anymore. No matter what, I control who I am and what I do, and I plan to take charge from now on! Both for everyone who believes in me, and for myself! This is who I am!
If you've known me well enough, you've watched me stop and start on so many things so many times, and I won't say I'll be perfect on managing at least my creative projects, but my passions, promises, and commitments are being met from now on. Those that I've let down over the years, I'm sorry it took me this long, but I'll get back to you on what I owe you, or be better at supporting you from now on. Some of you have already seen this change first-hand. It'll likely have some growing pains, but for the sake of this year, I won't let myself falter.
And to some of you, you may know I've said these very things in the past, so you might wanna see me back it up rather than spit out hot air. This is more than an update as much as it's my own personal declaration to myself to live by what I've written here. And as such, you won't have to wait long. These changes start today.
Because nothing starts until you take action.
Hope all of you can keep up.